Defeatism VS. Victory Expectation

This is one of those times when I am writing with the hopes of receiving revelation because at this point it is a lot of rhetorical questions bouncing around.

I heard my pastor speak yesterday about victory and how we are headed into a season where it will be easy. If I was honest I can't receive it which means I don’t believe it. Why? I started taking inventory as I call it. It began when I prayed for someone yesterday. When I pray or God gives me something to believe for in regards to others dreams and destiny - I see my mustard tree! Yes, a whole tree but for myself I can't find even find the mustard seed. As the inventory grew I realized I really don't know Victory. He's never been my friend or fearless leader. I type this and hear, "or is it that I have never followed Him into Victory for myself?"

DEFEATISM DEFINITION - the attitude, policy, or conduct of a person who admits, expects, or no longer resists defeat, as because of a conviction that further struggle or effort is futile; pessimistic resignation.
Anyone who has known me knows that I am a "survivor". I have had to fight hard to only see fleeting moments of gain usually followed by insurmountable defeat. I've never had anyone who believed in me and have always been up against, "you'll never be", "you’re not qualified", "you'd never be good at" and "you don't have what it takes". I spent most of my life either succumbing to it, trying to prove them wrong only to still be told 'no' or quietly shutting them out. Now don’t get me wrong I did a lot of renouncing and repenting for believing those lies so why am I still in the spin cycle!?

I remember a moment where someone spoke words of life and it still sticks with me. He said, "I'm not going to say you can't do it because every time I have thought it, you have taken it on and learned it." Unfortunately today I see that I've spent a life STRIVING without an expectation of Victory. It's been like a beginner dart player hoping that the dart even makes the board with each attempt but never expecting to hit a bulls eye.

God keeps speaking to me and saying, "Quit striving". I guess I'm saying to God, "HOW? I don't know what that looks like to even begin to model it." I haven’t had any examples….. As I type that I see my husband. I'm not always sure what goes on inside but outside he gives the appearance of just laying back and waiting for it to come to him with a knowing that it's going to happen. And if I'm to be honest again, it drives me nuts. Unfortunately he hasn't always had victory either but he didn't fret along the way.

Q: How do you believe for something you've never seen in your life?
A: FAITH - is what you hope for and certain of what you do not see. Heb 11:1

Q: How do you continue to hope when you've lived a life of strife and disappointment?
A: Rejoice in our suffering, suffering produces perseverance, perseverance character and character hope. And hope does not disappoint us, because God has poured out his love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit, whom he has given us. Romans 5:3-5

If I take a detour in seriousness and take a ride on some humor…..I guess I could say I’ve had a lot of character building along my journey. :-)

So where does this leave me……….in waiting on God for greater insight and understanding!

Laying it at His feet,
Bethany